An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a
seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp,
then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his
handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the
Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they
had so much money they never drank out of the same glass
twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air
and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting
the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they
had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never
drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar,
and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the
bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many
Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked with salmon.."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the Earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied the Allmighty, "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them!"
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"
The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eys. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for him."
A Canadian hunter had been hunting all day long. He fell asleep and was awakened late in the night by a large grizzly bear.
The bear ripped the front of the tent and stood on it's hind legs. The hunter only had one idea. He dropped to his knees and prayed. "Lord, Please let this be a Christian bear."
When the hunter opened his eyes the bear had dropped to its knees. "Lord, thank you for this meal in which I am about to receive."
An Alberta construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when
along came a Quebecois. I'm not hiring any Quebecers," the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping that the Quebecois
wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him
the job without getting into an argument.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using
numbers ,represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Quebecois says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine." says the Quebecer. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Quebecois stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "Alright, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Quebecer stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One'undred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred." The Quebecois leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one 'undred. So when do I start?"
On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, Son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him,
"That's because you are from Newfoundland, Son".
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad,
"Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"
"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
Did you hear about the guy with a map of Canada tattoed on his ass?
Every time he sits down, Quebec separates.
An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to
him.
The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation.
Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In Canada,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
America."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big
smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to Canada."
So there was this man who lived in Canada named Bub..
and he had house right in town.. and no indoor
plumbing... and the outhouse was quite a ways from
the main house.. so anyway.. as he got older, the
trip to the outhouse in the middle of the night got
to be to much for him so he would go off the front
porch.. and save himself the long walk in the cold.
Well.. this upset his wife and so she had a lil' talk
with him.. patiently explaining that he shoudn't do that
cause the neighbors would see him and know what he was
doing. She made him promise to not do it anymore and
they both said *eh* to the pact.
Well, it turned very COLD and he had to go bad in
the middle of the nite so he got up and went outdoors.
He came back pretty fast and his wife said to him.
"You weren't gone very long, you went off the porch eh??"
He could not lie to her.. so he confessed.. "Eh.. yep."
She sighed and said.. "ya know... neighbors will know it
was you and what you were doing out there!"
He said: "Nah, they wont know it was me, I squatted down!"
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is
spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth.
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the
wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his
throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and
Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly un-noticeable man in a grey suit is sitting at a
coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup
down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it onthe
counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the
market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just)the man
carefully takes hold of the kid's balls and squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25
cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand.
Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back
to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure
that his son has suffered no lasting ill- effects, the father rushes
over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks
embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As he's about to leave,
the father asks one last question: I've never seen anybody do
anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something
like that?
Oh, good heavens no the man replies
"I work for Revenue Canada."
Did you hear about the Newfoundlander who died drinking milk?
* The cow fell on him.
Why did the Newfie want Quebec to separate?
* He wanted to be closer to Ontario.
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"
"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
When Sir John A and Friends were trying to figure out a name for this great country, someone had a great idea. "Let's stick all the letters into a hat and draw 3 of them - that will be the new name of this place."
So they agree!
1st letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "C" eh!?
2nd letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "N" eh!?
3rd letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "D" eh!?
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
When a Canadian thinks of Hell he wonders what the heating bill must be.
A Canadian considers it one of the great thrills of life when snow doesn't stick to his shovel.
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